I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
handjob tips. give me some.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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