sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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