So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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