I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
