You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
being pregnant is like rehab
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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