I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
