I have demons in me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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