I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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