I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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