why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
