i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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