I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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