it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
