my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
