who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
