i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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