Texts From Last Night

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  (253): View more from Washington

  oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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  (253): oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body. (1-253): I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate. http://tfl.nu/e4ca
  Replies (71) Good night (5633) Bad night (597)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

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  (972): It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old http://tfl.nu/d8tm
  Replies (24) Good night (903) Bad night (5345)
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  (661): View more from California

  No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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  (661): No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer. http://tfl.nu/5zs6
  Replies (44) Good night (4489) Bad night (996)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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  (404): Are you still at the party or did I leave? http://tfl.nu/pph4
  Replies (18) Good night (6949) Bad night (991)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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  (724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey
  Replies (7) Good night (4816) Bad night (914)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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  (309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. http://tfl.nu/amrn
  Replies (5) Good night (4790) Bad night (932)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.

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  (636): At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him. http://tfl.nu/u9u9
  Replies (12) Good night (846) Bad night (2496)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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  (609): I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything http://tfl.nu/1m1m
  Replies (11) Good night (2065) Bad night (594)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.

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  (618): I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help. http://tfl.nu/o577
  Replies (6) Good night (817) Bad night (1748)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.

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  (651): Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle. http://tfl.nu/f80s
  Replies (12) Good night (1065) Bad night (828)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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  (912): Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch. http://tfl.nu/z7wv
  Replies (7) Good night (3133) Bad night (694)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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  (509): So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila" http://tfl.nu/anii
  Replies (3) Good night (2090) Bad night (461)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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  (970): I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome. http://tfl.nu/hol9
  Replies (6) Good night (2552) Bad night (836)
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  (714): View more from California

  wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man

  (1-714): View more from California

  you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife

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  (714): wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man (1-714): you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife http://tfl.nu/week
  Replies (2) Good night (757) Bad night (223)
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  (818): View more from California

  You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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  (818): You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on. http://tfl.nu/jsq7
  Replies (2) Good night (739) Bad night (212)

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