My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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