Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
