Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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