I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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