What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
