Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
