woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
