i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
