its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
