Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
