She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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