Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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