You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
