when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
