I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
