If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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