allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
