I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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