A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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