Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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