on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
