sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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