things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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