closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
