whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
