im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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