This is not my ceiling
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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