She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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