ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
