I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
