You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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