and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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