She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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