my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
