I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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