The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
