dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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