sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
