There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
