Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will pee on everything he values.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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